I aint got nothing today...
I’m drawing a complete blank today, I was thinking about talking about my father today...but its so emotionally draining for me. Fu@k it, ill give it a try and if im not feeling it...ill stop and nobody will know the difference.
My parents were married for 26 years, my father...had an affair, supposedly. Regardless he ended up leaving the marriage, my sister...and of course, me. I remember the night I found out he was going to be leaving: my mother was sleeping on the couch, at the time I was 18 and coming in from one of the later nights I had ever experienced, it was 3am. Usually I get home earlier, way earlier... my mother was on the couch, I cant even really remember WHY I went in that room...but I did. She was awake. Even though it was dark in the room, I can see her face, vividly....her eyes, the pain.
"You're father is going to be leaving us" ... that’s all she said.
Ever see a movie where someone is told something, and they don’t believe it...like when someone dies. "NO, I don’t believe you....are you sure" that kinda deal. where it doesn’t really sink in until you SEE IT for yourself ( I was having one of these moments ) I asked her again and she repeated herself. I immediately followed her reply with "where’s dad", she points upstairs and says that he is in my sister’s room. I BOLTED UP THERE LIKE LIGHTNING. Here is the denial... I ask him whats going on, I was just told seconds ago...its not like my mother was going to lie to me about this sorta thing, which I initially embraced as a possibility as a cruel joke for me coming into the house so late. But this was no joke, no laughter...no smiles. This was disbelief, tears...then incredible anger.
Disbelief - the asking of whats going (to this day not recalling a single word he said) - the confused look on my face...the why's, etc... this was the most brief of the 3 stages.
Tears - I don’t know what I heard from my fathers mouth, but I remember the look on his face...almost ashamed, sleeping in my sisters bed, almost as if to have the covers pulled up over his mouth and nose...scared that the boogie man might come out of the closet...or maybe he knew that monster was soon to come out of me. I think he was prepared, he had studied human psychology, he knew me...and im guessing at that point, he knew the disbelief was simply the calm before the storm. I don’t know when I started to cry, but it was the most powerful, heart felt cry I had ever experienced to that point in my life...it was overwhelming, that in itself is an understatement.
Incredible anger is pretty straightforward LoL - I was fu@king pissed! I pounced right on top of him, I don’t even know how I got from the archway of the door to the bed at the far end of the room...I could have flown for all I know. I grabbed the top on his chest, double fisted and started thrusting him up and down on the mattress. The typical "WHY!" over and over... I thought of him spanking me as a child, the lessons he taught me and thinking how hypocritical it was for this man, my father, to ever lay a hand on me, my sister....while his hands roamed outside his marriage. The pain. I can feel it to this day, the anxiety... its amazing I didn’t kill the man.
I remembering looking straight into my fathers eyes, he was scared...petrified. I think what scared him the most is NEVER seeing me like that and not knowing what I was capable of... he was treated poorly by his father, his dad was an abusive man....and I think he regressed with my violent show of aggression. 1o years later, that look makes me sad...makes me love my father more. I saw right through him. I was looking at an 8 year old child, he was alone...he was scared and there was nothing he could do to get away, he was trapped.
I then looked back and my mother with tears in my eyes, crying so hard I could barely speak... saying over and over "How can you do this to mom...." things to that effect. She was crying, I don’t think I ever saw her cry to that point....18 years of life, not a single tear. I don’t think she thought I cared that much...that I loved her so dearly. Im an adopted child, at 4 months... I was chosen by her and my father and I was blessed with two loving parents and all the opportunity life has to offer.
She called my aunt who she knew I was close with to try to calm me down...it worked, I talked on the phone and the rest is a blank. a complete blank. Shi@t you not, this is the first time I have realized that I’ve blanked out the rest of that night. Wow... I'm going to call my mom and ask her. damn.
Nonetheless, I didn’t speak to my father for at least a year, year and a half after that night... it was my mother that pushed me for a relationship with my dad. Im an adopted child, at 4 months... I was chosen by her and my father and I was blessed with two loving parents and all the opportunity life has to offer...it was worth salvaging. All the hockey games watched, baseball games, playing catch, life lessons, etc...I remember him coming to one of my high school basketball games. Therefore, I tried.
It was a long and trying road, took years....I had to release a lot of anger. I love my father, he is a good man...he made some poor decisions, not by leaving my mother...but in the fashion he decided to leave. Today we laugh, he tells me he loves me, I tell him the same...we catch ball games, played softball on the same team together before I moved away and we have a solid father son bond.
...and don’t worry, my mother recovered, she’s a beautiful, resilient woman.... god bless her heart and her strength.
I love you mom. You too dad. and congratulations to anyone that made it half way through this blog. Turned out to be kinda therapeutic I guess.... more of a blog for me! haven’t done that in a while. Well, there’s a lil bit more info behind me, Big Mouth.
David.
My parents were married for 26 years, my father...had an affair, supposedly. Regardless he ended up leaving the marriage, my sister...and of course, me. I remember the night I found out he was going to be leaving: my mother was sleeping on the couch, at the time I was 18 and coming in from one of the later nights I had ever experienced, it was 3am. Usually I get home earlier, way earlier... my mother was on the couch, I cant even really remember WHY I went in that room...but I did. She was awake. Even though it was dark in the room, I can see her face, vividly....her eyes, the pain.
"You're father is going to be leaving us" ... that’s all she said.
Ever see a movie where someone is told something, and they don’t believe it...like when someone dies. "NO, I don’t believe you....are you sure" that kinda deal. where it doesn’t really sink in until you SEE IT for yourself ( I was having one of these moments ) I asked her again and she repeated herself. I immediately followed her reply with "where’s dad", she points upstairs and says that he is in my sister’s room. I BOLTED UP THERE LIKE LIGHTNING. Here is the denial... I ask him whats going on, I was just told seconds ago...its not like my mother was going to lie to me about this sorta thing, which I initially embraced as a possibility as a cruel joke for me coming into the house so late. But this was no joke, no laughter...no smiles. This was disbelief, tears...then incredible anger.
Disbelief - the asking of whats going (to this day not recalling a single word he said) - the confused look on my face...the why's, etc... this was the most brief of the 3 stages.
Tears - I don’t know what I heard from my fathers mouth, but I remember the look on his face...almost ashamed, sleeping in my sisters bed, almost as if to have the covers pulled up over his mouth and nose...scared that the boogie man might come out of the closet...or maybe he knew that monster was soon to come out of me. I think he was prepared, he had studied human psychology, he knew me...and im guessing at that point, he knew the disbelief was simply the calm before the storm. I don’t know when I started to cry, but it was the most powerful, heart felt cry I had ever experienced to that point in my life...it was overwhelming, that in itself is an understatement.
Incredible anger is pretty straightforward LoL - I was fu@king pissed! I pounced right on top of him, I don’t even know how I got from the archway of the door to the bed at the far end of the room...I could have flown for all I know. I grabbed the top on his chest, double fisted and started thrusting him up and down on the mattress. The typical "WHY!" over and over... I thought of him spanking me as a child, the lessons he taught me and thinking how hypocritical it was for this man, my father, to ever lay a hand on me, my sister....while his hands roamed outside his marriage. The pain. I can feel it to this day, the anxiety... its amazing I didn’t kill the man.
I remembering looking straight into my fathers eyes, he was scared...petrified. I think what scared him the most is NEVER seeing me like that and not knowing what I was capable of... he was treated poorly by his father, his dad was an abusive man....and I think he regressed with my violent show of aggression. 1o years later, that look makes me sad...makes me love my father more. I saw right through him. I was looking at an 8 year old child, he was alone...he was scared and there was nothing he could do to get away, he was trapped.
I then looked back and my mother with tears in my eyes, crying so hard I could barely speak... saying over and over "How can you do this to mom...." things to that effect. She was crying, I don’t think I ever saw her cry to that point....18 years of life, not a single tear. I don’t think she thought I cared that much...that I loved her so dearly. Im an adopted child, at 4 months... I was chosen by her and my father and I was blessed with two loving parents and all the opportunity life has to offer.
She called my aunt who she knew I was close with to try to calm me down...it worked, I talked on the phone and the rest is a blank. a complete blank. Shi@t you not, this is the first time I have realized that I’ve blanked out the rest of that night. Wow... I'm going to call my mom and ask her. damn.
Nonetheless, I didn’t speak to my father for at least a year, year and a half after that night... it was my mother that pushed me for a relationship with my dad. Im an adopted child, at 4 months... I was chosen by her and my father and I was blessed with two loving parents and all the opportunity life has to offer...it was worth salvaging. All the hockey games watched, baseball games, playing catch, life lessons, etc...I remember him coming to one of my high school basketball games. Therefore, I tried.
It was a long and trying road, took years....I had to release a lot of anger. I love my father, he is a good man...he made some poor decisions, not by leaving my mother...but in the fashion he decided to leave. Today we laugh, he tells me he loves me, I tell him the same...we catch ball games, played softball on the same team together before I moved away and we have a solid father son bond.
...and don’t worry, my mother recovered, she’s a beautiful, resilient woman.... god bless her heart and her strength.
I love you mom. You too dad. and congratulations to anyone that made it half way through this blog. Turned out to be kinda therapeutic I guess.... more of a blog for me! haven’t done that in a while. Well, there’s a lil bit more info behind me, Big Mouth.
David.
posted by Big mouth | 11:32 AM
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