T-H-E oh sweet smell of the B-B-Q

All hail the BBQ, the indicator that summer has TRULY arrived. The only problem with BBQ's is.... it makes it difficult to stay in shape. You eat hamburgers and hotdogs which are lousy foods on top of the bun which is KILLER, then u wash it down with BEER. But who am I kidding, God bless BEER.

Two of my most favorite things in the world, BEER and UNO LoL. I cant think of a better combination for BEER. BEER and SEX, BEER and A THUMB IN THE BUM, BEER and a BLOWJOB .... actually, I think i'd be willing in the trade in BEER and UNO for BEER and a BLOWJOB, but thats ONLY if i could play UNO after she was done! Immediately after.....

Im at a barbeque right now and figured i would take the time out of my busy schedule to share some useless thoughts with you. Hopefully youre not at a BBQ too, because that would make you fu@king PATHETIC and I dont want that for you! I can do it because im BIG MOUTH, superior to all other bloggers.

Random fact - tonight I will masturbate with miracle whip, ill letcha know how it felt next blog...

BIG MOUTH

Memorial Day...

Even though im not an AMERICAN, i would just like to take two seconds to express my appreciation for the young men and woman that fight for freedom in North America and the entire WORLD.

God bless the fallen soldiers of this senseless war. Let it fall on the laps and shoulders of the OLD MEN that send young hero's to their deaths.

R.I.P

David.

Sunday's are Funday's!

1) I've been doing this blog thing now for about two months and the day that i have the most traffic on this site is *drumroll* SUNDAY's! Im guessing this is because most people are sitting around with nothing to do. It does make sense tho, Sunday is a slow day and really... what else are ya gonna do, might as well read a blog. Some people have other days as their busiest blog days, therefore kicking my theory right in the nuts and out the bunghole. What is it about my blog that on Sunday, something clicks and people stop by my site.

2) Maybe its because people go to church earlier in the day and want to start their sins off right and have a couple of laughs on my degrading webpage. Im really not sure why this happens to be the case, but its really starting to occupy my curiousity. Maybe, just maybe... if youre reading this blog right now, u can tell me why youre here and I can figure it out that way. Not that today is the only day that you have visited, but the numbers dont lie.

3) Then you can tell me youre deepest secret. I will then promise NOT to tell to anybody else, thats until im in desperate need of cash for my crack addiction. Heavens forbid if you deny me what i ask for, i will kidnap your first born ... and hold them HOSTAGE. If my demands still arent met, i will then EAT them! I will devour this child and shi@t their remains into a FED EX box then mail my pooh pooh to YOU!

If youre wondering why i numbered the paragraphs, it was simply to point out that i did not start drinking or take any drugs between paragraph number 2 and 3 LoL. Unfortunately for me, and fortunately for your reading pleasure...this is how my brain works, pretty fu@ked up HuH.

This disturbing blog has been brought to you by,

BIG MOUTH.

A night on the town...

So im in the town where im soon to be working last night, had a couple of drinks...then a couple more. Got to meet some of the influencial locals and such, turns out that one of the friends I have made lives on TOP of one of the hot spots of the city LoL. thats NOT bad :D That's what went on yesterday...lets talk about today.

Today im at work and comtemplating heading out for another night on the town, but i dont know if my 28 year old body can take two nights in a row. Maybe some pizza and poutine in front of the television will do it for me tonight, curl up to some Saturday Night Live.

I just farted.

David.

Opportunity knocks, Finally....

I have been struggling for a full time position in my field for 5 years, going on six in a couple of months and FINALLY something has come up. I was approached by my SUPERIORS and offered a position out of town...

The great thing is that its within a hour and a half radius of ottawa. I would be working afternoons from 2-6 weekdays with my weekends off, which means... I can still come home on weekends and hold onto my current relationships/friendships and such :D

Im pretty pumped right now, not to mention confused and happy all at the same time. My boss said I have a day or two to think about what I want to do. If I say I want it... I meet with the BOSS from the other workplace on Friday; If I say no, he will post the job opportunity online.

I can't believe that this day has finally come!

David.

(sings) might as well face it - im addicted to... UNO!?

I’m addicted to UNO. Here is an unflattering fact about BIG MOUTH…I’m a huge XBOX 360 fan – shut up. Now there are a number of titles to choose from for the XBOX console, but the title that rules my world and owns my heart is, the one, the only…UNO. If UNO were a girl, I would marry UNO…I would fly off with UNO to MEXICO and we would have ourselves a couple of lil’ wee UNO babies.

In fact, I was so busy playing UNO last night that I neglected slapping around my junk!
That’s right, the bar was closed…no baby juice! Instead I decided to go for a tall glass of UNO!

Random thought – right now I'm sitting in a chair that numerous individuals must have farted on…unless it’s just been me over the weekend. Regardless, now that I have been warming this chair for a considerable amount of time, my bottom is quickly rejuvenating the funk and nastiness of everyone else’s flatulence over the past couple of days. At one point I was convinced that I must have shit my own pants.

Now…Back to the BLOG.

The long weekend is almost over, hope you had a good one…EAT DIRT!

BIG MOUTH.

The May 2 - 4 Long Weekend...

It continues to rain and this makes me happy because i have to work the entire stint LoL. Im contemplating renting a dirty movie on Tv tonight, have a romantic one on one session with myself. Possibly light some candles, bring out the bubble bath and digital cam. Snap some shots and post them here tomorrow.

Ok, i almost puked for the 3rd time this month LoL...

BIG mouth.

When it rains, it pours....

Man has the weather been total shiat lately. Rain rain and more rain, but remember...without the rain, the grass wont be green and the trees wont grow! Other then that, the rain sucks! It wasnt as bad when i was a kid and there was a major storm outside and i couldnt wait to get out there and get soaking wet! what happened to those days, why is it that i dont want to jump out in a thunderstorm and get soaked? Maybe thats the secret to staying young, theres only one way to really find out... DO IT. Thats exactly what im going to do next time i see a heavy rain, im going to run outside and get totally soaked, then i will make sure i make note of it in my blog and let ya know if i have come to any conclusions.

Ironic tho, that i write so much about it in my poety... make references to water frequently in many of my "deeper" blogs like "my salvation".

This is definately something i will have to investigate in the near future.

David.

Yesterday I "BARFED" ... again!

....pretty self explanitory LoL.

I have barfed twice now in the past few weeks, LAST TIME i deserved it...this time i didnt. Here is the dealio, last night i went with Jackie to an all you can eat buffet, sweeeeeeet. Its a buffet that i used to work at and I recognized my former employer through the window as i was passing by so i decided to stop in and say hello. Its been about 7 years since i had worked there last and i have changed considerably over that period of time, so of course...he didnt recognize me LoL.

He treated me like shit when i worked there, but he was still a funny/sarcastic piece of trash hahahahaha. He may have been an @sshole from time to time but at least treated ya like one of the boys, unlike the other two managers in which i hope have since been hit by a bus and left to die in the middle of the street. Juuuuuuuuuuust kidding, but I would like to kick both sets of their nuts out their @sses! I went on to do my IMPRESSION of him and he laughed and said it sounded like him LoL, we shared a few laughs and off to the buffet we went.

I ate a lot of shiat. Then i decided i would finish off with desert, which i usually DONT DO...but because im paying close to 20 bucks for this dinner, im going to eat until i fu@king puke! PUKE i did :D Took about an hour or so after i got home but eventually i puked like a dog after eating grass! I was lying in bed when my stomach started to heave, my neck retracted and I ended up running out of bed and out to the backyard on all fours and YACKING!

the KICKER of this story is I stuffed my face for nothing, my former employer picked up the bill LoL.

YaY4mE!

Tomorrow ended up being better then "yesterday's" today! I got off on my ticket for not having my plates, the cop pulled me aside and gave me a brake even tho i didnt have any proof with me at the trial. He went up to the justice of the peace and told him that he had to go install a furnace LoL, hows that for fu@king awesome!

That was a boost that i really needed, now all i have to do is fix the car...then focus on fixing me :D Turns out i might be able to fix the entire car for under $5oo. Thats if i can get my buddies to get off their asses and actually help me get shiat done!

Today was a tough day tho, one of those days where I thought too much...my brain wouldnt relax no matter how hard i tried. I watched a movie, Kicking and Screaming with Will Farrell.
Not an Oscar award winner, but good for a few laughs!

Big Mouth - made it through another today, waiting for another tomorrow....

Thank god for Tomorrows

Today will soon be tomorrow and thank god for that. Im not looking forward to a shit week which will have me in traffic court tomorrow fighting a ticket that im not really responsible for, fixing up my car that i smashed up last week and putting my personal life in order.

Hopefully court will be straight forward and ill only get a fine and no infraction, just as long as my insurance doesnt goes up. Hopefully the gal that i hit a few days back never calls HER insurance and ill be off the hook there as well. Hopefully tomorrow comes quicky LoL, and the next one and the next one etc...

Life could always be worse. So ill be content with TODAY :D

David.

Just...

Embrace the beauty around you - take a deep breath (inhale)
and experience its essence (exhale)
Live in the moment - now is unique and will never come again.
It's already g o n e
Take a walk in the rain - liberate the child within...
jump in a puddle, don't be afraid to get wet
Love someone - passionately, tell them with conviction
/ without fear

Cry - strength lies in your weaknesses. A tear is pure, from within'...
it's "True"... don't deny it
Laugh - a SmilE can soothe the soul.
Close your eyes - remind yourself... what makes me remarkable
------> ? <--- Think.
Appreciate what you've got - so when you get something you don't,
u know how to appreciate it.

I got in an accident, YaY... Fu@k!

Driving along yesterday, NOT in the "fast lane" LoL... just cruising doing my own thang. Im behind this young lady who had just gone throught a yellow light with no hesitation, so on to the second light we go, where she is gingerly making her way through the intersection until she sees another yellow light. Now, instead of going through THIS yellow light, she decides to SLAM ON THE FU@KING BRAKES way late. So lets play a guessing game, "where did MY car end up as a result of her sudden braking" ... the answer is, UNDER her fu@king minivan. The second she got out of her vehicle she apologized for stopping so suddenly, she was a nice gal... so much so that we simply exchanged numbers and a first name and parted ways.

Luckily there wasnt any major damage. My rad is toast, the hood is curled up but my fenders were untouched, on both sides! That was pretty awesome to see. So i need two light fixtures, a hood and a new rad, hopefully i can get everything purchased and installed for $5oo or under. Im pretty sure i can get that done with the connections that i have.

BUT AT LEAST I HAVE MY HEALTH, thats what everyone keeps telling me...so for now, ill swallow that bullshiat LoL. Although there is some truth to that statement, i rather fork out $5oo instead of being sick, having to see someone in my family suffer and so on.

David.

Recovery and Recap

This blog entry was inspired by Motor City Monk, but it's for EVERYONES reading pleasure :D


A quick update, I feel like a million bucks but not too interested in touching an alcoholic beverage for the next lil while. There was a little bit of a hangover, what there was a lot of was me being TIRED, i had never felt that WIPED...but i was still up at 10 in the fu@king morning to watch Pocahauntis' sons soccer practice. What was that?! Im a fu@king champ...damn straight im a champ! I could have slept in and been a pu$$y, even if that would have made me the smarter individual lol...but i didnt. I got my @ss up and watched the PRACTICE, not a game. A PRACTICE.

"YES" Big mouth replies, "I am indeed HUMAN."

1) Was it worth it - YES and very much so even tho it wasnt something that was planned. Those seem to be the best drunk nights, when its spontaneous... The body isnt ready for the total disrespect, damage and disregard that you have in store for it!

2) Did I have any fun getting smashed - YES. Drinking and laughing makes for a pretty good time, especially because you are laughing at stupid shiat that otherwise you wouldnt find that entertaining. Kinda like taking someone out to a lousy comedy movie that you really wanted to see, but they didnt. You know its a stinker and dont wanna hear too much about it later, so you laugh at some of the stuff that isnt as remotely funny as you make it seem LoL <----- kinda like that :)

3) Any puking - YES! Although this is a tough one to judge. I was fine when i got home and figured i should have something to eat, this is where i made a poor meal choice. CHINESE! I dont like eggrolls and im really not that crazy about chicken balls...but i ate both regardless. There was a dipping sauce that i put on my food as well, for all i know it could have been molded cottage cheese with gravy! Nonetheless, I ended up passing out and woke up about 3 hours later to cram my finger down my throat. All that shiat in my stomach wanted out and I wasnt about to put up a fuss! Man it came flying out of my BIG fu@king MOUTH! It was more food induced then alcohol, thats my story and im sticking to it.

I also ended up getting in a number of verbal confrontations with individuals that lacked my tact and undeniable superior intelligence. I ran into a friend of mine and his friends, there were about 6 in total and i pissed off 4 of them. One of these turds was one of those "white" dudes doing HIS impersonation of a GANSTA from South Central. Ummmmmmmmm i have a lot of black people in my family and im mixed myself...if i had to rate him 1-10, ten being the high and 1 being the low, i would have to give him a 2 - BUT he gets a 10 for effort. This dude was fu@king ridiculous, this guy was going BEYOND trying to be black, in fact...he was his very own background color, im sure he has a name for it. I would love to continue on this rant, but im going to save it for another blog LoL.

It was a good night overall and i wouldnt change too much about it other then eating that goddamn CHINESE food... FU@K! That was dumb, im only 28 LoL... Live and learn :D

David.

Last night I got Hammered!

Holy Fu@k did I ever get smashed! I went to a concert and had a few drinks, the performance sucked so off to another bar - another bar where I drank my fu@king brains out. Its not about what i HAD to drink opposed to what i DID NOT have to drink. Lets break down the damage:

Beer - orange juice and vodka - tequila - sambuca - baileys - Jagerbombs and of course the always dangerous "mystery drinks" that were thrown my way on occasion.

so lets do the math here:

(6 known alcoholic beverages + 3 unknown alcoholic beverages + very little sleep and no substantial food other then a chicken burger) + (the spins) - (everything inside my stomach) =

A SORE FU@KING BRAIN AND FARTS THAT SMELL LIKE A HOMELESS MIDGET CRAWLED UP MY @SS LAST NIGHT, COOKED FISH AND LEFT THE PLATES OUT OVERNIGHT!

Basically, my own farts make me gag. I have a hard time believing that such a foul stench could come out of an ass as beautiful as mine LoL...but it did and continues to do so. Im having a hard time just finishing this blog without shi@tting myself. I definately have a date with a messy "do do" later on. You know, one of those "fu@k wiping"... then jump into the shower kinda craps!

Possibly something like THIS - take your pick LoL.

Well, I think i have done enough damage in a very short period of time! Have yourself a wonderful weekend and avoid me like the plague, im a ticking time bomb here... i suggest keeping a distance of 2 miles from my @ss for at least a week.

BIG MOUTH has spoken.

my BIG MOUTH is frowning :(

This is going to be one of the BIG MOUTH serious pieces, hard to come by and thats why they are priceless. Hopefully this relates to you in some way shape or form, if not...thats ok, cause it happened to me and not you :)

Tonight somebody i cared about told me to FUCK OFF after i confronted them about something i knew they wouldnt react well to. I can understand how i upset them, but what they said still bothered me. Usually when someone says something like this to me, its warranted or i dont care. But when its someone you care about, it always stings. Even tho i come across to most as a hardass, void of emotion and somewhat of a playboy...im a very sensitive individual, and that sucks because when people know youre that way, sometimes they dig much harder then they have to, feeling that something less sharp wouldnt bother me, when in fact ... it did... and very much so. that wasnt the case tonight, but because it was someone that was so important to me, so it broke me a lil bit inside.

This confrontation just put me in a state, u know... when youre driving home from something like that and everything is quiet, you make it home but you were so lost in your thoughts youre amazed that you didnt drive into the back of another vehicle. The sensation is so focused, those kinda hurt feelings consume you... im guessing that im going to be up the majority of the night thinking about it. Hopefully not, when i write like this it usually helps settle me, although i usually write for myself and not for the public eye.

The great thing about tonight is that its almost over and tomorrow is a new day. cliche i know, but its the truth and i have no other choice but to live with the circumstances. I think one of the most common misconseptions of language, is the ability of those words to hurt, even if thats not the intention. One might use a dagger word out of frustration, anger or possibly just accidentally let it slip out, regardless...man, they can send your emotions for a whirl. I try to be very specific with my words and not speak out of haste, but that only comes from being a loud mouth hurtful bastard when i was younger so i understand how they can take flight.

I think im done writing for now, i feel a bit better and im sure things will work themselves out tomorrow. I care for this person like i would my own family, this individual means EVERYTHING to me....

David.

Baseball: adults - good / kids - bad

I recently went to a Triple A baseball game, it was me, pocahauntis and her two children(4-7). It was a wonderful day, great weather to check out a ball game AND the home team ACTUALLY won for once LoL. I LOVE BASEBALL! For me, an adult (loosely) checking out a game is always a hit when the sun is beaming down with a brewski in your hands. Even if youre a chick and dont like baseball, at least this is a great chance to work on your tan, spend time with your man and not have to talk with him:D Or take it as an opportunity to actually HAVE a conversation with your intimate other. Baseball diamonds are so "chill", very relaxed...christ, if i had to tell someone that i was going to die in 6 months, i would do it at a ball game lol.

Here is the only thing i dont like about triple A baseball, the price of tix...not for the adults, but for the kids. mainly because kids dont have any interest in baseball, they might watch it but they have no fu@king idea of whats really taking place. one of the children that was with me was 4, couldnt believe he made it til the 7th inning before it was home time. the only thing that kept him content that long was that he wanted the chips that i bought him -and- the mascots that were running around acting like jackasses.

Prices for kids under the age of 7 should be NOTHING, im talking about free baby. at the very least toss in some vouchers for hotdogs and a soda pop. price of admission for a child is a ripoff, the only reason being...they arent really watching the game! maybe two for ten bucks or something for those between the ages of 7-10, then start charging full admission for the older kids that actaully give a shiat in regards to whats actually going on at the ballpark.

Now this may sound kinda crazy, but when you compare baseball to other things that you could do with your children or children you know, like:

bowling - go carting - lazer tag - junior hockey or an amusement park / fair ...

taking a kid out for a ball game ($8) and spending another 5-7 bucks on lousy food ($8-15) for each kid plus whoever else youre with, spouse/girlfriend/mistress... it doesnt come across as being the most economical choice for someone trying to entertain a youth. You dont get the BANG for your BUCK with BASEBALL.